Quarantine Talks: Reading, Writing and Watching Netflix

How have you been spending your lockdown? It’s become the new norm for me, I sometimes even forget I’m in lockdown until I get the daily news bullentine on the BBC News app. I’ve had a lot of astonishingly productive days so far where I’ve met personal targets and deadlines. And I wouldnt’ say I’ve completely gone mad (maybe a little) but I’ve honestly had days where I haven’t even wanted to get out of bed or do anything remotely productive. One of things that I was certain about when creating this blog is that I was going to be completely and utterly honest with my readers.

As you probably already know, I am far form perfect. I don’t have my whole entire life sorted. I don’t have all the answers to what I want to do in the future. I just don’t have it all together. Seeing as all the priorities that I have at the moment are inside jobs i.e. this blog, video making, attending online lectures and writing essay, lockdown hasn’t actually restricted my life as much as it has other people. But I’m not getting as much done as I thought I would.

I would say I’m a very driven and ambitious person – on one side. I have things that I want to do, improve in and complete. The other side of me is sluggish, demotivated and often too nervous to push the boat out just that little bit further. I’ve started making videos on my Instagram, but as soon as I post them I start worrying who will see them and what they will think. Will they think I’m boring, too serious? Or maybe over excitable and not sophisticated enough. Not so long ago this would have stopped me completely from posting anything! Including things on my PRIVATE snapchat story. Anxiety about what other people might think has been my biggest struggle throughout my whole life. It starts off as a little tickly feeling in my mind and suddenly it overcomes me like a big dark cloud. I’ve worked on it over the years especially in the weeks leading up into university and I am still working on it.

What I’m trying to get at is I’m not exactly where I want to be in most aspects of my life – in my creative passion, in my confidence, in my fitness, in my relationships, in my finances or in my mental wellbeing – but I am certainly not where I used to be. Reaching the end goal or target doesn’t matter as much as the progress or the journey. At the start of quarentine I had started none of my full-term essays written, I was slacking on instagram and blog posts and I hadn’t even made a video yet. Now, I have consistently been writing blogs, I’ve produced two mediocre videos and worked on all of my full-term essays, with one completely finished. It’s not a lot for 7 or 8 weeks of lockdown, but it’s something. I’m learning to trust that God is the one who hold the plans for my future. All I can do is rest in His strength and follow where He leads me to go. This has brought me great peace in all of the uncertainty. He promises His children rest. Even when anxiety is closing in on me, even when I want to reach something that seems untangible, even when I feel I’ve failed, I have learnt to rest in His presence. And it’s okay to stop, to scrunch up your schedule and press reset for tomorrow. It’s okay to switch off and binge watch Netflix series for hours and it’s okay to not quite reach your standards of perfection. What is meant for you is already yours.

Love Always,

Shadz xo

Quarantine Talks: Let’s be honest: Being home and the reality of living away.

It’s probably obvious that because of the pandemic I have had to leave university early and come back home. But do I like being here? Or would I rather be there?

The short answer to my title is yes. I am a total homebird. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love university, I love the independence and the responsibility of being able to choose what to do and when to do it. I’m an adult so it’s not to say that I don’t get a lot of freedom at home, because obviously I do, but it’s different at university. I can only speak for myself but when I’m at home, I wouldn’t get up at 3am and go for a walk with my friends – not because I’m not allowed, but it would be weird, for me. At uni, me and my flatmates did that plenty of times, not alone of course, that’s too far for me. But certainly with my friends I would, and it wouldn’t be weird. At university, I choose to eat what I want, when I want, regardless of what anyone in my flat is doing. I choose when I shower and how long for (en-suite benefits), I choose when I want to shop and what I want to shop for, I get to buy what I want to buy. In essence, I do what I want, when I want without it affecting anybody. And that’s exactly why I prefer being at home.

I love the hustle and bustle of family life, I love cooking for my family, I love sitting around the table, laughing and making jokes. I eventually love the sound of someone running to the bathroom even when I’d planned to go in, I love hearing my mum scream “DEL DEL WHERE ARE YOU!” even if it’s just to ask what chores I’ve done today. I love the silly and sometimes annoying altercations with my little siblings. I love hearing my big brother blasting out his music out full volume from his bedroom. I love hearing the deafening sound of my dad sneezing and snoring on the couch ever so often. Now most of these things may seem strange to love, but what I didn’t understand when I left to university is that I wouldn’t have these things anymore. You just don’t have it. The things that maybe you would have seen as being inconvienient at the time, end up being the things you miss. And I miss them when I’m away.

So yes, I do miss being at home when I’m at uni perhaps more so than I miss uni when I’m at home. And I’m glad I’m home for the time being.

Uni students – do you prefer home or uni?

Love Always,

Shadz xo